Mommy is Me. (1st,2nd,3rd month.)

Month 1:

After Lizzie got new cute husband, party girl Lizzie became Lizzie the housewife.

Lizzie the housewife became grumpy and bored so Lizzie got a new job.

New job = adjustment period+ stress + long work hours – sleep x  nicotine + alcohol.

Let’s drink to my new job and unhealthy lifestyle. Everyday after work and on Saturday nights.

Month 2:

Way past the quarter life marker. Beer was my water and nicotine was my air.

Thought I was growing old when I couldn’t finish three glasses of ice cold beer and one stick of cigarette.

Something was wrong. . .and it wasn’t old age. OR. Maybe something was finally going right…

Month 3:

Week 1: Period is three weeks late. blamed it on the job. blamed it on the erratic schedule. blamed it on the beer. blamed it on the  husband.

I got one right.

Positive for pregnancy. Super sperm meets super egg.

Pregnancy test 1: Two pink lines.

Cried in the bathroom. “Thank-you-Baby-Jesus,nowwhatthefuckamisupposedtodonow?”

Showed to husband. Jumped for joy. Happy for you mister.

Went out and bought two more pregnancy kits just to be sure.

Pregnancy test 2: Two pink lines just before bedtime. One more and we’ll hit the the jackpot.

Pregnancy test  3: Two pink lines before going to work. Dear God, I am woman hear me roar. Functional vagina and uterus. All smiles.

Week 2:

The scariest words you will ever hear: Threatened abortion.

Pre-term contractions. Right after watching Thor at the cinema. Maybe baby didn’t like the dimsum dinner and movie?

Bed rest for a week. Hello bed.Goodbye salary.

Week 3:

ME: Crying over Judy Anne and Ryan Agoncillo. Crying because my blazer doesn’t smell like downy. Crying because of my husband’s imaginary new young girlfriend who weighs 80 lbs. and fits into size 24 jeans. Crying because I want to be a billionaire. Crying because i don’t like Anmum. Crying because i want panit sa lechon all day everyday. Crying just because.

Crazy hormones. Raise your hand if you think I’m a drama queen. (Raise)

BABY: Great balls of fire! 😀 Hello Baby Boy Palermo-Olitres! 🙂

Week 4:

Bikinis for sale.

Monologue of the week: My, what lovely stretchmarks you have. Thank you, they kinda distract the viewer from my disappearing waist and they’re so lovely I think I’d like to put a whole bunch at the back of my knees.

Sleeveless tops for sale:

Midweek prayer: Dear Baby Jesus, please save my lovely white iloks.

(to be continued…)