Kabit Confessions.

I tremble in anticipation. The butterflies in my stomach flutter restlessly. I could feel my insides turn into an ugly mess of quivering jelly. I could barely sit still, keep on squirming in my seat. Miniature beads of sweat begin forming on my forehead. I feel like an ice cube melting under the sun every time you glance at me, smile at me, laugh with me, talk to me and touch me. At this very moment, you are the center of my universe.

You beckon and, being the obedient girl that I am, I follow you… mute, without words, without questions, without hesitations. As we come close, I could feel the chemistry, the tension, and the unspoken longing between us. I drown in your eyes, become intoxicated by your smell, mesmerized by your boyish smile and become paralyzed by your touch and caresses. At this very moment, I am your goddess and you are my god.

You draw near and I could feel your heart breath upon my skin, and as our lips met, I hold my breath, savoring every millisecond. The kiss was better than I imagined… it was beyond my wildest dreams. I could feel the urgency of your hands on me. With every cell in my body burning with desire, I murmur your name… imploring you to release me. I surrender and abandon all my inhibitions and give myself entirely to you. We have reached the point of no return. Paradise was within our grasp. You and me. Together. At this very moment, we become one.

After everything that had been said and done, I sit there quietly. Thinking, contemplating and letting it all sink in. you give me a kiss and I give you a smile, trying to conceal the myriad of emotions that are clouding my heart. I could feel myself burn, not with desire, but with inexplicable longing, sadness and shame. And as you walk away, my heart shatters into pieces. My mouth is shut but my soul is screaming. You showed me heaven on earth. And I imagine the endless possibilities of having you in my life. Lucky her. I wish I could turn back time, return to the moment we became one. Because at that very moment, you were mine.

HIM – – – who fascinates me.

I hate the way you changed my world.

Before you came walking, no, crashing into my life, everything was fine. I was fine. I was comfortable with who I was and what I believed in. cynicism was a way of life. I had successfully bottled my emotions in, hardened my heart, abandoned all wishy-washy thoughts of love and romanticism. I had the role of me-against-the-world tough chick memorized down to every little detail. I had braced myself for my disillusioned-fairytale-yet-relatively- happy ending. Or so I thought.

I dislike you.

Your sudden appearance in my life proved to be an unpleasant distraction. An interruption to my normal, typical and ordinary existence. You wreaked havoc, turned everything upside-down, made me think twice, made me do a double-take and take a second look. You diverted my attention with your spontaneous antics. You made me lose direction, veered me off the track and confused me. I was a girl of conviction and a woman with a self-imposed mission. But not anymore…

I despise you.

I had prepared myself for battle. Armed myself with enough emotional and mental ammo to render an entire enemy army senseless. My mantra was girl power, believing completely in feminism and its lovely fruits of labor. I thought I had geared up, compelled myself to be strong to face the cruel world of solitary living and spinsterhood. But then you came… and stripped me of my battle gear. Leaving me virtually defenseless, fragile and vulnerable.

I can’t stand you.

Before I met you, I could swallow glasses of jalapeno sauces like it was orange juice. I could watch horror flicks by myself amidst the midnight howls of the neighbors dogs. I could walk alone in the dark, remain calm in the middle of an earthquake and run 5 miles on the treadmill without breaking a sweat. But when I met you and knew you, my legs turned to useless pieces of wobbly rubber at the mere sound of your voice. A glimpse of you and my intellectual self becomes dormant as the swooning, giggly schoolgirl in me takes over. Call in the exorcist. All my bravado, logic, determinism and rationality completely evade me.

I hate you.

You shook my black and white world and gave it a kaleidoscopic twist. You disrupted my orderly and peaceful existence. You made me uncertain of my opinions, made me question my philosophies in life, made me hesitate and delayed my half-baked yet somewhat carefully laid out life plans. I thought I was steadfast in all my convictions. i thought wrong.

I hate you. I hate the way you changed my world. And I hate the way you changed me.

In an idyllic fairytale happy-ending story, you would be THE one. In a sappy yet sordid romance novel, you would be the one that got away. But this is my life, fascinating as you may be, you would be the one I could never have.